


jongdae's list ; [xiuchen]

by parkbucheon



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Leukemia, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mentions of Cancer, XiuChen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 08:22:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16425827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkbucheon/pseuds/parkbucheon
Summary: in which minseok finds a piece of paper that contains a list of to do things.





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> To all xiuchen shippers out there, please don't stop loving them.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I had a dream the other night, hyung, about how we only get one life,  
> but it was not a dream Minseok hyung; it was reality."
> 
> ps. unbetaed/ a lot of typos

**"Are you sure?"** I nodded as an answer to Junmyeon's question.  **"You're coming back right?"**  
  
  
  


**"Of course, I love my work, I love what I do."** I murmured as I fixed the things I need.  
  
  


**"Why do I feel like you're not coming back?"**  
  
  


I laughed at Junmyeon's statement. Junmyeon is my friend and my boss. I work for him, well, I am an architect, and he's an engineer, we've been working in each other's side for who knows how long?  
  
  


**"Junmyeon—"** i held both of his shoulders.  **"I will come back, I just need a break from things."** I smiled at him.  
  
  
  


Well, you know, all of us need a break. I have been thinking about breaking away from the life I have,  _temporarily._  I want to do things that I haven't done since I started working.  
  
  
  


Ever since all I did was to study, I never got the chance to enjoy my high school and college life because I was too engrossed in studying. When I graduated, it was the same. Junmyeon and I worked and worked, I didn't do other things, just eat, sleep, and work. Yes, I have a boring life.  
  
  
  


Unlike Junmyeon. He has a very interesting life. We're busy, but he finds time to date. Like how?  
  
  
  


And since then, I thought about myself, doing other things, enjoying life. I don't want to die with a boring experience.  
  
  


**"Maybe this is for the better."** Junmyeon spoke.  **"Date someone, Minseok-ah."**  
  
  


My forehead creased.  **"What the hell are you talking about?"**  
  
  


**"Try finding a boyfriend or a girlfriend, you're not getting any younger, my friend."**  
  
  


Dating isn't in my mind when I planned this break from my daily life.  
  
  


I rolled my eyes at him. I don't really like the idea of dating. I don't know, I don't want to be too attached to people who will never actually stay.  
  
  
  


**"I don't need a lover, Junmyeon."** I said as I placed the strap of my bag on my shoulder.  **"I'm just going to have a trip. Enjoy myself around South Korea."**  
  
  


**"Use this break as a chance. Find someone who'll be willing to spend a lifetime with you, someone who's willing to do everything just to be with you, Minseok."**  
  
  


I waved Junmyeon goodbye.   
  
  


I really don't like to undergo in things like those. I don't believe in things like those. Spending a lifetime with someone? Who would actually do that for someone? Who would actually give up doing his own necessities just to spend a lifetime with you? What kind of person is someone who's willing to do everything just to be with you?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Rays from the sun woke me up,  the light hitting my face, I opened my eyes only to see me room. It looks dull really. It was full of post-its, crumpled papers scattered on the floor. Blueprints that wasn't even placed orderly on my study table began to find itself lying on the floor. Pencils and rulers on the chair and in the trash can.  
  
  


I closed my eyes, and opened them again. I never really had the chance to tidy up my apartment because of work. Yes, I am really workaholic. I don't have the time to redecorate it the way I want.  
  
  


I live in a building. The only person I know in this vicinity is Baekhyun. My neighbor next door, who's a doctor; who sends me good stuff when he has time. He spends time with me too when we're not that busy.  
  
  


He's nice, like Junmyeon. He even tells me stories about his patients. He actually has a very stubborn patient. Always escapes the hospital. Why does his patient do that?  
  
  


**"Minseok-hyung! Are you awake?"** Speaking of Baekhyun, I told him about my plan, last night. He said it was good for me. He wanted me to breathe a little from the life I have.   
  
  


I got up from my bed and answered the door. I saw Baekhyun, smiling. He's just wearing his pajamas; carrying bento boxes. He brought breakfast I guess?  
  
  


I let him come in.  **"You don't have work?"** I asked and followed him to the dining table.   
  
  


**"Hmmm, I asked Chanyeol to cover up for me while I'm gone. Besides, they have other talented doctors, it's not just me whom they can count on."** He said while fixing the plates so we can proceed to eating.   
  
  


I just watched him go around my kitchen and find the things he need, He knows my apartment well.   
  
  


**"Is Chanyeol your boyfriend?"** Baekhyun didn't even seem bothered to my sudden question. It's just that, whenever we have the chance to talk, he always finds a way to bring Chanyeol up in our conversation. Chanyeol, the tall guy who fetched him a couple of times. A doctor too.  
  
  


**"Yes."** He smiled cheekily as he sat down in front of me.  **"Yes, he is, hyung."** I can see Baekhyun is happy.  **"How about you, hyung? Do you have someone?"**  
  
  


I know he knows the answer already.  
  
  


**"Why don't you try dating?"**  
  
  


**"I don't want to."** I said.   
  
  


**"Why not? Dating makes you feel things you haven't felt before."**  
  
  


I continued eating the food he brought.  **"I know."** I murmured.  
  
  


**"You know?"**  
  
  


I nodded. I also know the feeling of being left.  **"You dated someone back then, hyung?"** I nodded again. That was in college. I date him for 2 years before he decided to leave me. Maybe because he got tired of me putting all schoolworks over him.  **"Oh my god! What is his name? How come you never told me, Hyung?"**  
  
  
  


I chuckled.  **"You never did ask anyway."**  
  
  


**"So what's his name?"**  
  
  


**"** **_Luhan_ ** **."**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**"Hyung, I'm leaving. I need to go. Chanyeol called me and he said my favorite patient ran away** ** _again_** **."** He said while fixing the bento boxes he brought.   
  
  
  


**"He escaped again? Why does he do that?"** I asked, helping him tidy up the table.   
  
  


**"I don't know."** He sighed.  **"Maybe he's getting tired of always being in the hospital, but he doesn't have a choice. He needs to be treated."**  
  
  


**"How old is he anyway?"**  
  
  


**"Same age as me."**  
  
  


**"Oh, how do you find him then?"**  
  
  


**"We track his cellphone. We usually find him in a park, but I think this time, it's different."**  
  
  


I frowned. Different?  
  
  


**"What do you mean?"**  
  
  


**"Chanyeol said, he escaped, leaving his phone, and the hospital uniform was lying on his cot and one of our nurses' daily clothes were gone."**  
  
  


Just what exactly is that kid thinking?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**_["You're going to start your trip today, Minseok-ah?"]_** i nodded as if Junmyeon can see me from the other line.  ** _["Be careful, take care of yourself while enjoying!"]_**  
  
  


I laughed.   
  
  


**"Why do I feel like your my mom, right now?"** I asked, smiling.   
  
  


**_["Shut up, I just don't want you getting hurt, you're my best friend."]_ **  
  
  


**"Fine, hahaha, take care of yourself too, Junmyeon!"**  I heard him mutter 'yes' and other things before I decided to end the call.   
  
  


I made sure to take the key to my apartment with me. I'm not going to use my car. I'm going to use the bus for my trip. I missed commuting.   
  
  


I fished out my phone. I checked the weather and the places where I should go for relaxation. I don't really have a list of things of where I would go. It's just a last minute trip preparation.   
  
  


Where should I go first?   
  
  


I walked towards the bus stop. The streets are not packed with people, it's weekdays, of course they're at work, what do I expect?  
  
  


I flinched as soon as I felt a piece of paper stick to my arm. Maybe the wind blew it?  
  
  


It was a piece of yellow paper. There are things written on it.   
  
  


_Kim Jongdae's to do list:_

_1\. go to my hometown._

_2\. go see my little brother._

_3\. sneak out in the middle of the night to eat snacks._

_4\. go back to Seoul using different kinds of transportation._

_5\. watch a musical._

_6\. play billiards._

_7\. eat to my heart's content._

_8\. play in the snow._

_9\. buy a pet. a cat or a dog? Idk._

_10\. make a wish in a temple._

_11\. stay up all night._

_12._  
  
  


Kim Jongdae? Who's Kim Jongdae, and is this a bucket list? Not just a to do list?  
  
  


**"Hey!"** I looked up so I can see if someone did call me. I saw a guy wearing a dark blue sweater, a pair of nice pants and a converse, slightly taller than me, walking towards me.  **"The l-list, you're h-holding,"** He said, panting.  **"T-that's mine."** He points at the list in my hand.  
  
  


**"So you're Kim Jongdae?"**  
  



	2. ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unbetaed

"Why am I here?" I didn't know what happened, but it escalated faster than I thought.

 

Jongdae laughed beside me. I don't know, I just found myself eating ice cream at the nearby park. With him.

 

"Remind me why am I here, with you again?" I said, staring at him, while my face is crunching. I really don't know why I ended up being with him. I just met him, suddenly we're eating ice cream. 

 

He smiled. "You didn't believe me when I said I was Kim Jongdae and we end up chasing each other, until we got tired and ate ice cream instead." Oh right.

 

I asked him for his ID, but he didn't give me one, saying he doesn't have his wallet with him, only his credit card. 

 

So I didn't believe him and ran with the list. He chased me and yes I got tired and approached the ice cream vendor I saw and bought ice cream for myself. I was also about to pay what I bought but he was faster than lightning, he gave the vendor the money.

 

"So you're really Kim Jongdae?" 

 

"Yes." He said after wiping his lips. "Now, will you give me my list back?" 

 

I shrugged and looked away. "I don't know."

 

"What do you mean you don't know? Yah! Give me my list back!"

 

I looked at him. I just stared at his face. I admit it, he's handsome, how old is he?

 

"Why do you have a list like that?"

 

He was staring at me like how I was staring at him. He gave me a genuine smile. "It's a bucket list, these are the things I want to do." 

 

I frowned. "Your bucket list is so lame." I said, reaching for my back pocket. "Here," i took out his palm and placed the yellow paper. 

 

He checked the paper and folded it into four, before speaking. "You know, my bucket list isn't that lame to me," He looked up and stared at the blue sky. "I haven't done a lot of things, since I wasn't capable of doing it. This is the only time I had the strength to do it."

 

I didn't speak. I don't get him. He smiled as he closed his eyes. His eyelashes are really long and the corners of his lips are so pretty.

 

He suddenly opened his eyes and looked at me. I didn't have the time to look away. I can feel my face heating up. 

 

"The things written in here will be memorable for me when I accomplish it."

 

I bowed my head. "I'm sorry, for judging your list." I felt embarrassed from the moment he caught me staring at him. Why was I staring at him? 

 

I heard a soft chuckle. "It's fine. You know, I think you're right."

 

I looked up to him, only to find him staring down while smiling at me. 

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Maybe my list is that lame," grinning, he continued. "Do you want to go with me while I fulfill the things written in my list?"

 

My eyes widened at his sudden offer. We barely know each other and he's offering me to go with him?

 

"W-what? What are you saying? Are you insane?"I asked, eyes big.

 

"No, I believe I'm still sane," he smiled brighter. "Traveling alone and doing the things in my list alone isn't fun right?" I don't know why I found myself nodding in agreement with his question. "Do you want to accompany me through my adventures?"

 

"W—" i didn't finish what I was going to say when we heard a sound, we both looked behind me, it was the bus. 

 

"Come on!" He stood up and held my hand, "Let's talk in the bus and get to know each other while we're in there!" And he pulled me towards the bus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You know, I didn't even agree in accompanying you." I said, rolling my eyes.

 

"Just think of this as a form of gift,"

 

"Why? Is it your birthday?"

 

"No."

 

"Ugh, I can't believe you!"

 

"Just think of me as a very special person who wants a gift."

 

"Yeah, you're special," I said, crossing my arms. "A special child." 

 

I heard him laugh. I don't even know where we're going. I don't know him, I only know his name. "Hey—" i stopped myself as soon as I notice him staring sadly outside. "Are you okay?" 

 

Why is his face suddenly gloomy?

 

He smiled, not looking at me. But outside, "This is my first time riding the bus." My eyes widened.

 

"What? Are you serious?" He nodded. "Are you that rich, that you don't even take the bus?" 

 

He shrugged. Smiling. Gosh, Why do I find his smile so cute and attractive? "I don't know, maybe?" So he's definitely rich. "Hey, what's your name anyway?" I looked away. I can feel him looking at me. Why am I embarrassed?

 

"Kim Minseok." 

 

"Woah." 

 

"What?" I asked, I was confused with his reaction.

 

"We're both Kims!" I rolled my eyes. Childish. "How old are you?"

 

"28."

 

There was a brief silence between us, only the sound of the tire's friction upon the ground can be heard and the conversation of other passengers. 

 

"I should start, calling you hyung." He said, smiling. So he's younger than me, but he looks more mature than me. Is this how the world works? "Hello, hyung, I'm Kim Jongdae, nice to meet you." He cooed and offered his hand for a handshake.

 

At first I didn't know why he suddenly did that, but then maybe he wanted us to start in the right way. 

 

I took his hand while I smiled. "I'm Kim Minseok, nice to meet you, Jongdae."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jongdae told me he was from Silheung. He also told me he was away from his hometown for about 8 years. He doesn't remember, if it was exactly 8 years; all he knows is he was away for a long time. 

 

Right now, he fell asleep. That fast? Is he that tired that he fell asleep? 

 

Once again, I asked myself why I am here, with Jongdae, heading to Silheung. Yes, I have my own trip and he has his own trip, the difference is that he planned what he wants to do; while mine was an impromptu. 

 

Maybe I should just go with him, I didn't plan anything ahead for myself anyway, so I'll just go with Jongdae, as what he said it'll be fun.

 

I hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Jongdae, we're here. Wake up." The bus stopped at Silheung's bus stop.

 

The bus driver waited patienly for me to wake up Jongdae. He's a heavy sleeper, I can tell. He won't budge when I called him. So I needed to shake him, for him to wake up.

 

"Uh?" He asked, rubbing the sleep off of his eyes. "Oh, we're here? I'm sorry," he apologized. I didn't even know if it was for me or for the bus driver who just smiled in return. 

 

I followed him when we got off the bus. He just stood there. Staring at the road. "Jongdae? Are you okay?" I asked, lightly tapping his shoulder.

 

He smiled. 

 

"Of course," I can see in his eyes that he missed his hometown so much. "I'm okay, finally, I'm home."

 

And I didn't miss the tear that fell from his left eye.


	3. iii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unbetaed

**"Aren't you tired? Because I am!"** I asked, while we walked. We've been walking since we reached Silheung.  **"Do you even remember your house? Jongdae, we need another mode of transportation, we can't just walk from here."**  
  


**"Stop whining, hyung and just follow me, we're not going home yet."** He muttered while he moved his head around, what is he looking for!?  
  
  


I tried to calm myself. I shouldn't have gone with him, this was a bad idea, a very bad idea! I should've gone on a trip on my own!   
  


 

**"Yah! Minseok-hyung!"**  
  
  
  
  


**"What!?"**  
  


 

 **"I said, let's eat first."** All of a sudden, I felt soul cleanse itself upon hearing Jongdae's words. He made his way to the small store so I followed him.

 

 

As soon as I entered I felt very warm. It's nice, the place is nice and cozy.  **"Jongdae is that you?"** Did someone just call Jongdae?  
  


 

 **"Yes, Kyungsoo, it's me!"** my gazed never left Jongdae and the small guy who had big eyes. They hugged for a long time and I can sense that it was a warm, tight hug. Are they friends?  **"It's been so long!"**  
  


 

 **"Oh my god! Jongdae! I can't believe you're here! Are you okay now?"** They smaller guys asked as he hugged Jongdae.   
  


 

Jongdae didn't answer tho. He just hugged the smaller figure.  
  


 

I just stood there, waited for their small reunion to finish.  **"Oh!"** The smaller guys gawked as he 

 

 

noticed my presence. He broke free from Jongdae's hug and went to me.  **"I'm sorry for making you wait—"**

 

 

 **"I'm with him, Kyungsoo."** Jongdae says.

 

 

 **"Oh I see,"** i smiled at Kyungsoo? I think it's his name.  **"Are you Jongdae's boyfriend?"** I almost choked on my own saliva.  
  


 

**"No, I think you misunderstood—"**  
  


 

 **"He's a friend, Kyungsoo."** Jongdae said, cutting me off. How rude.  
  


 

 **"Oh,"** Kyungsoo smiled warmly at me before offering his hand.  **"I'm Do Kyungsoo, nice to meet you! I own this little restaurant!"**

 

 

 **"I'm Kim Minseok, nice to meet you too, Kyungsoo."** I said, taking his hand.  
  


 

 **"Call him, hyung, Kyungsoo."** Jongdae whispered ad I glared at him.  
  


 

**"I'm sorry, I was rude. Forgive me hyung."**  
  


 

 **"No, no! It's okay!"** i continue to glare at Jongdae whose going to burst out laughing anytime now.

 

 **"Please, have a seat, I'll prepare you food. I hope you don't mind waiting a bit?"** Kyungsoo said, gesturing me to sit.   
  


 

Jongdae sat athwart me.  **"It's fine, Kyungsoo. Do your best in cooking! I missed your cooking!"** Kyungsoo smiled before he left for the kitchen.  
  


 

 **"Is he your friend?"** I asked while we wait.   
  


 

**"Yes, he's my friend. We grew up together here in Silheung, tho he's from he just moved here with his parents, when we were young."**  
  


 

I bobbed my head, so they're childhood friends.  **"Is this your first time seeing him after 8 years?"**  
  


 

 **"Ah, no. He visits me in Seoul."** Jongdae points out before tending to the waiter who is silently fixing the plates we needed.  **"Thank you,"**

 

 

I've been thinking this ever since. I don't really know Jongdae, I don't know what kind of work he does, where he lives in Seoul, why he didn't go to his hometown for 8 years, until now.  
  


 

**"Say, Jongdae?"**

 

 

**"Hmm..?"**

 

 

 **"Why did you decide to go here, after... You know? 8 years?"** Silence sufficed. Jongdae didn't answer, he just sat there, but his expression says otherwise. He wanted to say something but I think he restraining.

 

 

 **"Oh, that."** He began,  **"I didn't really have the** ** _strength_** **to do it, I was busy. I didn't have** ** _time,_** **that's why..."**

 

 

 _Time..._ Yes. Time often constrained everyone from doing what they want.

 

 

**"But..."**  
  


 

**"But what?"**

 

 

 **"Why didn't you just make time?"** I asked, if he really wanted to do it, he could've just made time go home or do the things in his list earlier than today,  **"Why did you wait f** **or** **so long? Why didn't you do it back then? You could've set aside the other things and made time** **for** **your bucket list. "**

 

 

Just like what I did, I made time for myself, I took a break from doing work and just have fun.

 

 

**"I can't just do that, hyung..."**

 

 

**"Why not?"**

 

 

**"I'm a** **_busy,_ ** **person."**

 

My forehead creased. What does he mean,  **"What do you do for a living anyway?"**  
  


 

 

He smiled, a  _sad_  one. Did I say something wrong?  **"Hyung, let's just eat, food's here,"** he muttered, shoving off my question.

 

 

Right there, I found Jongdae, very mysterious. A person full of secrets, is it okay for me to trust him?

 

 

 

 

 

The answer is  _yes,_

 

It's okay to trust him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We bid Kyungsoo goodbye after eating. Jongdae even promised to come back if things go well for him. I don't really know what he meant by those words.

 

 **"Are we going to your house now?"** As of now, I really want to lie down. My back hurts from sitting.

 

 **"Yes,"** Jongdae spoke as he once again inspected the surroundings we're passing through.  
  


 

I have been with Jongdae for hours and I feel comfortable around him. He's mysterious yet he's comfortable to be with. He smiles from time to time like he doesn't have any worries in his life.

 

 

 **"Do you know how to ride a bike, hyung?"** He asked out of the blue.

 

 

 **"Of course,"** I said, speeding up so I can walk with him side by side.  **"Why did you ask suddenly?"**

 

 

He pointed at a bike rental nearby.  **"We'll rent a bike, use it as a transportation."**

 

 

I frowned. I guess his house is farther that I thought. Is renting a bike for that far, even allowed?

 

 

 **"Don't worry, hyung. I know the owner of the store,"** I could say I am amazed because I really am. Jongdae knows a lot of people in his hometown eh?  **"He's also a good friend of mine, hyung, so let's go."** He pulled me towards the bike rentals.

 

We were greeted by a man in Chinese, I don't even know if that's Chinese, but it sounded like one.  **"Hello,"** he spoke again.  **"I guess, you're here to rent a bike?"** He asked, while wiping the bike he has held onto.

 

Is this Jongdae's friend? Why isn't he saying anything? I looked at Jongdae, he's just staring at the guy.  
  


**"Where do you want to go with my bike, tell me and I'll arrange the fare— Jongdae?"** I watched how the man got startled when he looked up.  **"Is that really you?"** From the way I see it, the man has a calm personality, he had a pair of droopy eyes. 

 

I turned to Jongdae and saw how he nodded. 

 

Am I going to witness Jongdae's little reunion with friends since I'm his travel buddy?

 

Again, the answer is yes.

 

We waved Yixing goodbye, apparently the boy is from China, came here for education and he met Jongdae when they were young.

 

Jongdae paddled while he sang, feeling the cool breeze sent shivers to me. 

 

It wasn't cold, winter had just ended, but the way the wind crawled up to my spine makes me mentally weak. Not physically.

 

I stared at Jongdae who's a little farther from me. 

 

Jongdae's very friendly, I can sense that, from Kyungsoo to Yixing, it already describes his personality even if I didn't even ask him or scrutinize him; you'll feel it. 

 

I saw him greet the old lady who was walking. He even stopped the bicycle just to say hi with a smile.

 

I kind of envy him. I wish I was that friendly as him. 

 

I wish I was as cheerful as him.

 

 **"Hey hyung, you might want to focus on the road, you'll end up falling if you continue wandering off,"** he said slowing down so he could cycle beside me.  **"But that's okay hyung,"**

 

I rolled my eyes at him.

 

 **"What do you mean that's okay?"** I choked,  **"You want me to fall? It's okay for me to fall? Is that what you're saying? I don't want to get hurt!"**

 

 **"Yes,"** he grinned, like a child whose been rewarded after doing what he's been told.  **"That's okay, because—"**

 

 **"Because what?"** I beckoned.

 

 ** _"I'm gonna catch you when you fall, hyung_** **."** I don't know what happened, but I felt myself losing balance with my bicycle.  ** _"I'm gonna catch you, so you won't get hurt."_**

 

_._


	4. iv

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unbetaed

**"I hate you, Jongdae, really!"** I said, glaring at him as he laughed while I sat on their sofa.   
  
  


We arrived at his house, and believe it or not, their house is big.   
  
  


 **"I'm sorry, Minseok-hyung,"** he began before he left the living room to get something from upstairs. He came back with a first aid kit.  **"It wasn't my fault that you lost your balance right? I mean, it's your body, not mine."** He said, carefully placing the first aid kit on the coffee table; taking out the things he needed to clean my wound.  
  


Yes, my wound. Apparently I really did fell from my bike. Not because I was spacing out, but because of Jongdae's choice of words.   
  
  


I was shocked, the words that came out from his mouth had double meanings to me and he didn't notice it.   
  


 **"Yeah, right."** I said, sulking. I stared at my elbow. Luckily I fell on the grass, not on the road. I scraped my elbow onto a small rock, still; I'm thankful that I didn't end up falling on a thick cement.  
  


 **"I'm sorry, I said I was going to catch you when you fall,"** he uttered, slowly his hand tended my elbow.   
  


**"But you didn't catch me, and I ended up hurting mysel— ouch! that hurt!"**   
  


**"Sorry,"** Jongdae cooed, laughing softly at my reaction.  **"Yeah, I didn't catch you, sorry hyung, I wasn't ready, I didn't know that you'll fall right at that moment."**  
  


 **"Yeah, whatever."** I said, ignoring what he just said previously.  
  


**"I promise you, hyung. This is going to be the last time you'll get hurt."**   
  


**"Shut up."** I said, looking away. Why are my cheeks suddenly hot?   
  


 **"No, no, really. I'm going to take— are you blushing hyung?"** When I looked at him, he was smiling like an idiot.  
  


 **"W-what!?"** I slapped his hand away from my elbow. I examined it, I lowered my head, am I really blushing!?  
  
  


 **"Hyung! You're blushing!"** He said, chuckling.  
  


 **"D-don't be stupid!"** I shouted, holding both of my cheeks.  **"It's just hot! Yes! H-hot! Is your air condition even working?"** Jongdae was still smiling like an idiot.  
  


He's teasing me.   
  


 **"All right, I think we're done tending your wound."** I watch him organize the first aid kit.  **"Tell me when it hurts hyung, I'll give you some painkillers."**  
  


**"It's just a scratch you idiot, it doesn't hurt that much."**   
  


**"Well, good for you then."** I roamed my eyes around the house. It was big, it can accommodate more that 5 people, does Jongdae live alone?  
  
  


**"Hey, Jongdae?"**   
  


**"Hmmm?"** Jongdae leaned back on the sofa and looked at me.  
  


 **"Do you live alone? I mean, why aren't there any people when we arrived here?"** I was expecting to see his parents or siblings— if he had any siblings— to greet him as soon as we set foot, but there was none. We were greeted by a deafening silence.   
  


 **"My younger brother lives here with the ajhussi taking care of his daily needs,"** Oh, so he has a brother.  **"I know what you're thinking. I don't know where they went too, I was expecting my brother to greet me the moment we step inside, but I guess I was wrong. But then I remembered it's a weekday, he's probably at school."**  
  


**"And the ajhussi?"**   
  


**"I don't really know."** He said, while shrugging.  **"Maybe he went to buy food for the both of them?"**  
  


I noticed that Jongdae never mentioned anything about his parents living here. Only his brother and the ajhussi.  
  


 **"Where are you parents, Jongdae?"** I asked, am I being nosy? I just want to know.  
  


 **"They're in Seoul,"** he managed to answer.  **"They've got business there."**  
  


 **"Maybe it explains the black card you have."** I smirked, so he's born with a rich parents huh.   
  


**"Yeah, hahaha, why are you asking a lot of questions about me hyung, don't you think it's a little unfair to my part? I'll ask questions too."**   
  


It didn't bother me when Jongdae said that, I don't really mind when people ask me when they're curious about my being.  
  


 **"Why did you come with me?"** His first question was dropped. I looked at him, in a judging way.   
  


**"You basically dragged me on the bus, without my consent, and I ended up here with you, in your hometown."**   
  


**"No hyung,"** waving his hand.  **"What I meant was, you could've went on your own the moment the bus stopped at the next station."**  
  


It took me a minute to answer his question. Why was I with him? Jongdae has a point. I could've abandoned him, I had a lot of chances but I ended up going with his ways.   
  


 **"I did it because it was there,"** Yes, the moment was already there.  **"I was planning to go to an impromptu trip, Jongdae, then you came, suddenly offering the weirdest offer I ever received, and I– you know, just went along with your ways since I didn't plan ahead of time anyway."**  
  


Taking out his list and a pen, I caught Jongdae's smile.  **"So you're saying that you'll accompany me until I finish my list?"**  
  


I kept silent, am I really going to accompany with until he finishes his list?   
  


 **"Yes, sure, it'll be fun, I guess?"** Jongdae's smile went even brighter, then he looks down at his yellow paper. Placing a strikethrough on a particular number.   
  


He accomplished number one.   
  


 **"We got only 11 things now! I actually wanted to do 12 things originally."** Oh yeah, when I saw his list earlier, they had 12 numbers written on it, each one indicating an activity except number 12.  
  


**"Why was the twelfth one blank? Is there anything you'd like to do after you accomplish number 11?"**   
  


He smiled mysteriously.  
  


 **"I haven't thought of it yet. It'll come when we reach onto it. I'll probably write something on it when the** ** _time_** **comes."** I slowly nodded, agreeing to every word he said.  **"Hey, hyung."**  
  


**"Yes?"**   
  


**"It's kind of selfish of me, I dragged you here in the first place..."** He trailed off.  **"Is there something you want to do? I would gladly accompany you since you're doing the same for me."**  
  


I didn't know what to answer him. I stared at him. I don't know, this is the very first time. The very first time a person asked me what I want or what I want to do, and Jongdae's the very first person who even bothered to ask.  
  


And we're not even that close. We just met.  
  


**"Hyung?"**   
  
  


**"I... I.. I..."** I stuttered, I don't know what to say. I was overwhelmed, I don't know, it's the very first time i felt this. Everyday, when I wake up, my life seemed to be already planned. It seems like I was never fit to do anything what I actually want. I stared at Jongdae whose waiting patiently for me to answer.  
  


I was about to answer him when another unfamiliar voice came to the moment.   
  


 **"Jongdae-hyung!?"** The sun-kissed boy asked while he approached the both of us.


	5. v

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unbetaed

I've met another wonderful person in a day, and it was Jongdae's brother. Kim Jongin. He was slightly tanned, but handsome. He has this cute laugh and an eye kind of smile.  
  


He approached Jongdae with a very warm hug.  **"What were you doing here, hyung? Does mom know?"** We're currently eating dinner.   
  


We're eating fried chicken, because Jongin requested for it, and I agreed because I was also craving for chicken.  
  


Jongdae shook his head.  **"She doesn't,"** placing a finger above his own lips,  **"Don't tell mom, okay?"**  
  


I was watching the siblings talk in front of me. I didn't feel like I was third wheeling because I enjoy watching how close they are. It's nice seeing the sun kissed boy talk to his brother enthusiastically.  
  
  


 **"Why hyung? Why don't you want to let mom know? I mean, you're here, you're okay now right? That's why you're here?"** Jongdae ruffled his younger brother's hair.   
  


 **"Just keep this a secret, Jongin-ah, trust me."** Jongin nodded in agreement and I gave Jongdae a questioning look.  
  
  


I'm as curious as Jongin, why doesn't he want their mom to know that Jongdae is here? Is Jongdae not allowed here? Was he forbidden to set foot in their home?  
  


Indeed, Kim Jongdae is very mysterious.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Jongin went out, he said he was going to hang out with his best friend for a bit. Jongdae being a generous hyung, of course let his younger brother wander, And told him to go home before 10:00 pm. Jongin isn't that young anymore anyway. In his age, he's capable of taking care of himself outside his comfort zone.  
  


 **"Jongin's a cheerful kid huh?"** I said, trying to start a conversation. After Jongin left, Jongdae decided to wash the dishes, I told him I will do it but he insisted, telling me I was a guest, and guests should be treated with great hospitality.   
  


Jongdae also had been quiet after we shared a nice meal with his younger brother.   
  


 **"Jongdae?"** I called, trying to get his attention.  
  


 **"Oh, sorry hyung, were you saying something?"** He asked with a confused when he turned around to look at me.  **"Continue hyung, I just spaced out,"**  
  


Closing my eyes slowly, then I spoked.  
  


**"Jongin's a cheerful kid, like you."**   
  


**"Of course,"** Jongdae said. He has his back on me, but I can feel him smiling from ear to ear.  **"We were raised that way,"**  
  


**"Raised that way? What do you mean?"**   
  


As soon as Jongdae finished washing the dishes he sat on the kitchen island across me.  **"Our parents are barely home when we were young,"** he began, and I think he's going to go far as he can go while telling me this.  **"But they're the best, often times when they finish work, they would spend their time with us, asking how we've been, what we want, what we did, all of it; yes they miss a lot of things in our lives but they always find a way to cope up. They would always tell us to be positive and when they are away, they want us to think of it as a way of making ourselves stronger, making our family stronger."**  
  


**"Is that why both of you have that aura?"**   
  


**"What aura?"** Confused he looked at himself, I laughed.  
  


 **"You both have an aura of endless positivity, it's like whenever I look at you, you look like a person who doesn't have any worries."** Jongdae crossed his arms while he smiled.  
  


 **"Oh, is that so?"** He stopped, and continued,  **"but I do have a lot of worries... I just tend to... you know, not to think of it."**  
  
  


I admit, Jongdae's thinking ability is great, I'm jealous. Compared to him, I always think of my worries, I always think of things that I need to accomplish within the day to survive; I tend to think of things that doesn't even happen yet. I think of what might happen to me in the future.   
  
  


**"Hey, hyung? Are you all right?"**   
  
  


**"Oh?"** Waking up from these little thoughts,  **"Yes, I'm fine, Jongdae."** I said, leaning against the marble counter top. When Jongdae finished washing the dishes, he told me to stay in the living room while he went to his room.  
  
  
  


While I was waiting for him, I saw his list on the coffee table, I took it and saw number one and number two with a strikethrough.  
  
  
  


( _A/N: pretend it's a strikethrough, idk how to put it over the words, just think of it as a strikethrough; tysm!)_  
  
  
  


_Kim Jongdae's to do list:_

_1._ _ go to my hometown. _

_2._ _ go see my little brother. _

_3\. sneak out in the middle of the night to eat snacks._

_4\. go back to Seoul using different kinds of transportation._

_5\. watch a musical._

_6\. play billiards._

_7\. eat to my heart's content._

_8\. play in the snow._

_9\. buy a pet. a cat or a dog? Idk._

_10\. make a wish in a temple._

_11\. stay up all night._

_12._   
  
  
  


**"Hyung have you seen— oh! I thought I lost it!"** Jongdae said while he rushed towards me. He took the list from my hands.  **"I thought I lost my list, where did you find it hyung?"**  
  
  


 **"You left it here,"** i said, pointing at the coffee table. He nodded then we spent the next minutes in silence.   
  
  
  


I stared at him. What could he be thinking?   
  
  
  


 **"Hyung... tomorrow, let's go back to Seoul."** I was caught off guard with what he said. That fast? He wanted to go back to Seoul that fast?

 

 **"W-what about Jongin?"** Jongin, will Jongin approve?

 

 

Jongdae smiled. He gave me a sweet one.

 

 

_My heart, its beating faster than the usual... What is happening?_

 

 

 **"My Jongin will understand, are you still sure that you'll go with me to finish my list?"** I ened up staring at him while he smiled sweetly at me.

 

 

 

_Oh Jongdae, what have you done to me?_

 

 

 **"Hyung! You're blushing! Hahaha!"** I cupped my face.

 

 

 

What the hell is he talking about!?

 

 

 

 **"Shut up! I'm not! It's just hot in here you bastard!"** I glared at him while he laughed his ass off on their couch.

 

 

 

Fucking Kim Jongdae, I hate you!

 

 


	6. vi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unbetaed

If it wasn't for Jongdae's unmanly screams, I wouldn't be standing before him, forehead creased because of the fact he just disturbed me in my sleep.

 

 

"What do you want now Jongdae? It's too early! Are you kidding me or what?" I asked, scratching my head as I looked at him walk back and forth inside their kitchen.

 

 

"Hyung, we need to leave before lunch, we're going to the temple first, before leaving for Seoul." I glanced at the time and it says 6:30 am. I went behind Jongdae who's busy preparing 3 meals for each on of us. I immediately hit his head. Hoping to knock him off in his senses. "OWW! What the hell was that for!" He asked as he scratched his damaged head.

 

 

Psh, overreacting big whining baby.

 

 

I rolled my eyes as him. "Are you kidding me!? You woke me up this early just to tell me that!? You could've set the time to wake me up at 7:00 am! God Jongdae! You're so frustrating!" I admit it, I am not a morning person. I don't like waking up in the middle of the night or waking up at early 6:00 am.

 

 

"I'm sorry, hyung! It's just that-- where are you going?" He didn't finish his sentence because he caught me slipping out of the kitchen. I glared at him before answering.

 

 

"I am going to do my morning rituals, bastard." He just chuckled.

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Jongin, be sure to eat your meals, don't skip school! I'm telling you!" I watched Jongdae as he scolded Jongin before we take our leave to go back to Seoul. He's an overprotective loving brother, I must say. 

 

 

I'm not kidding at all, because he makes sure that his brother is in good condition before he leaves. 

 

 

"Hyung, yes, I know!" Jongin pouted. He still can't believe that we're going back so soon. I don't understand Jongdae. We just came here not too long ago now he wanted to go back immediately. "Promise me you'll come back," Jongin said in a low voice. "Come back with Minseok hyung." He gave me quick glanced, I smiled at him. I wouldn't mind coming back. 

 

 

Jongdae smiled and gave me a glance too, before he ruffled Jongin's hair. 

 

 

"I love you, Jongin-ah. Don't forget, hyung loves you." and with that, he gave a quick kiss on Jongin's hair before we rode our bike.

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

We bid Yixing goodbye as we returned the bikes. We decided to stop at Kyungsoo's restaurant too. Kyungsoo became emotional as Jongdae told him he was going to Seoul. Kyungsoobcried his eyes out, it's like he's never going to see his friend again.

 

 

Yes, That's how I felt when Kyungsoo cried. It's like Jongdae's never going to come back here, which I know is impossible, I know Jongdae will come back here. 

 

 

It's his hometown. It's where he grew up.

 

 

"Jongdae?" We were waiting quietly at the bus stop when I decided to ask him something. "Number 12... On the list? When are you going to--"

 

 

"Soon, hyung. Soon." he gave me a warm smile. I don't know, but it comforted me. Jongdae's smile can lit up someone's world. I am not kidding. I am not gonna lie anymore, but Jongdae's smile is the best smile I have ever seen. 

 

 

It's warm, sweet, comforting. I would love to stare at it all day.

 

 

"Hyung?"

 

 

"Hmmm?"

 

 

"What are you thinking?"

 

 

"Your smile..." Jongdae stared at me, oh my god! did I just say that? "Uh...?" Jongdae smiled again, upon hearing me stutter.

 

 

"My smile?" 

 

 

I looked away before speaking up. "I like your smile, Jongdae. I like it very much." I can feel my face heating up; indicating that I'm all red. Red as a tomato.

 

 

I heard his soft laugh that made me more embarrassed, hah Kim Jongdae, things you do to me. 

 

 

"I like your smile too, hyung."

 

 

I wanted to hit him back there.

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

The ride back to Seoul was peaceful, we didn't talk but it wasn't awkward, in fact it was comforting. But that silence didn't last long. "Hyung, there's a temple I know. It's at the next stop, do you mind us dropping off there?" I nodded as a reply. 

 

 

As of now, I don't care where we go, I'm with Jongdae, I gave him my full trust when I decided to go with him. 

 

 

As long as I'm with Jongdae, nothing will go wrong.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

We arrived at the next stop with Jongdae pushing the stop button for our drop off. We kindly thanked the driver for his serene way of driving. Jongdae led the way towards the temple he was talking about. It wasn't that far, it was just a walking distance from were the bus stop was. 

 

 

The place was silent, a few Buddhist were silently praying and bowing to us, and we bowed back politely.

 

 

As if Jongdae was here a lot of times, he knew his way; he brought me to the overlooking part of the temple. 

 

 

"Wow." was all I could say. The sight was beautiful, yet horrifying. It's a mixture of happiness and fright. At the overlooking you can see the beautiful structure of the mountain, and the trees that had been there for a long time. The blue cheerful sky that tells you that it's a brand new day for everyone. It was wonderful, but when you look down, you will see the steep land towards the horrifying fall to your death.

 

 

I was staring blankly at the bottom when Jongdae covered my eyes using his hand.

 

 

"Don't look down, Minseok hyung." Jongdae said in a whisper. He was gently caressing my shoulder with his other hand. Trying to calm me, I can feel myself trembling against his touch. "Just look up, or straight ahead, never look down." I took a deep breath. He slowly took his hand off. I squinted my eyes, adjusting from the light that came into the view. "Make a wish, hyung." I stared ahead and at the sky before deciding to look at Jongdae.

 

 

I don't know why I turned to look at Jongdae, I saw his calm expression, he was smiling while his eyes were closed. I knew he was wishing. I turned away and closed my eyes, and made my wish. I thought of a lot of things, about myself, what to wish, I thought of Jongdae, and right there, I knew exactly what to wish for. 

 

 

I opened my eyes to take a quick glance on Jongdae who still has his eyes closed and smiled. 

 

 

I closed my eyes, thinking deeply, and Jongdae.

 

 

I wish for Jongdae's list to be fulfilled, his wishes to come true and for Jongdae's happiness.


	7. vii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unbetaed

Going back to Seoul means a lot closer to reality. We both have to go on our separate ways. Go back to being Jongdae whom I don't know what he does and back to being Minseok who works his ass off in his best friend's firm. Believe it or not, we really did use different kinds of transportation upon going back to Seoul. Jongdae is really up for it. The last transportation we boarded was the bus. 

 

 

"Hyung? Aren't you hungry?" I nodded as an answer. I know after all of these, we would go on our separate ways, but we still have a long way to go. Jongdae, he made me feel what it feels like to be a carefree person so it is inevitable for me not think of what would happen after this? What would happen to me? What would happen to Jongdae? Will we still keep in touch with each other after all these?

 

 

The question will be left unanswered.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

"I want to play billiards hyung." He mumbled as we took off at the next bus stop. Seoul didn't change much, Christmas is just around the corner, people had started decorating their stores and the streets with Christmas decorations as to show that the Christmas spirit is there.

 

 

"Billiards? Why do you want to play billiards?" 

 

 

"I used to play it in my cell phone," I laughed, so he played it virtually. "I want to experience playing it physically, do you want to come with me?" 

 

 

"Of course, I would love to." Smiling, "Didn't I tell you I will be with you until we finish your list?"

 

 

He smiled. The warmest one I have ever witnessed. "Thank you, hyung."

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

I basically dragged Jongdae into a Billiard house I know. He said he doesn't know anyone or where the nearest Billiard house is, so I dragged him, because I know someone who owns a Billiard house which I can consider one of my friends.

 

 

"Are you sure it's already open?" I nodded, it opens early. I was just about to open the front door when it opened itself, revealing a tall man. 

 

 

"Kris! It's been a long time!"

 

 

"Minseok? Is that you? How are you man!" He hugged me, it's been a long time since I saw Kris. He's a busy person like me, but believe it or not, he is dating Junmyeon. "You've got a little friend with you, who's this?" He asked smiling. Jongdae stood there, quietly.

 

 

"He's Kim Jongdae, and yes we're friends." Jongdae bowed as a respect and said hi.

 

 

"Annyeonghaseyo. It's nice to meet you."

 

 

"Nice to meet you too," then Kris turned to me after greeting Jongdae. "I guess the two of you are here to play billiards? Well then, come on in." Kris was the first one to go, followed by me; then Jongdae. 

 

 

"Help yourselves, I'll be at the back." we both nodded in unison. Jongdae grabbed the cue stick excitedly. 

 

 

"Hyung, teach me how to do this, I haven't done this in my entire life." I laughed, who would've known he doesn't know how to play.

 

 

"All right, first." I stood behind him. "Lower your body." and he did, I was kind of back hugging him. It was weird, but who cares? I was teaching him. "Then you point the cue stick at the white ball, try to hit it with the right force, you need to have the correct posture, you got it?" 

 

 

"Yes, hyung, thank you." And he did, he's actually good. He managed to finish the balls without losing the white one.

 

 

And believe me, I watched him as he played with himself, and I saw Jongdae's genuine side. 

 

 

It was heartwarming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

By the time we finished, it was lunch time, so we had to bail out. I had fun watching Jongdae. He was really happy back there. It took us not long enough to look for a good place to eat, we decided on eating at some Chinese restaurant near the hospital where Baekhyun si working.

 

 

We decided on ordering hotpot. Since we're both craving for it. As we ate, I sudddenly missed Kyungsoo's cooking. I can say that his food is better than what we're eating right now.

 

 

"I miss Kyungsoo's dish." I blurted out, making Jongdae smile.

 

 

"Me too, I love his dished ever since." We both smiled as we thought of Kyungsoo, and how he was doing. "We managed to do five things in my list, we're halfway there." I stopped, oh yeah, playing billiards was on his list. He took out the piece of paper and placed another strikethrough on his list. 

 

 

"What's next?" Was all I could ask. I would be lying if I said I want this to end. I don't know, I just can't imagine this trip coming to an end. Maybe I became to attached with Jongdae...

 

 

I know... but... I'm surely going to miss Jongdae.

 

 

"I don't know, it depends hyung, I don't go for the numbers, I go for the moment and feeling." I hummed, he has a point, we do his list depending on the situation and not chronologically. 

 

 

I ate another bowl of soup when I noticed Jongdae's forehead creasing from time to time. "Are you okay? Jongdae? What's wrong?"

 

 

"I... I'm fine hyung." He smiled, but it was rather weak. What is happening? "Did you have fun today? Because I did. I enjoyed it a lot hyung." He said.

 

 

I stared at him, something's wrong, his voice was gradually becoming softer. "I did, I had so much fun ever since I met you, Jongdae." he smiled, and I smiled at him too. I glanced behind him as I noticed a familiar figure walking in, it was Baekhyun.

 

 

My eyes left Jongdae for a second and I shouted, to get Baekhyun's attention. He was with the tall guy named Chanyeol; his colleague and boyfriend. 

 

"Baekhyun!" I smiled, he saw me, both of them saw me and they smiled. They started walking towards our table. That's when I noticed Jongdae's eyes flutter weakly as his forehead creased more. "Jongdae, are you all right? Tell me what's wrong," I asked worriedly, Chanyeol and Baekhyun seemed to notice what was happening and stopped for a moment.

 

 

"N-nothing, I'm okay," But I wasn't convinced, not anymore when his nose suddenly released a streak of blood.

 

 

"Oh my god! Jongdae!" I noticed Chanyeol and Baekhyun rushing towards us when they heard his name. "Your nose! It's bleeding, what is happening?!" I tried to stay clam but I failed, because Jongdae collapsed in front of me.

 

 

And Chanyeol manage to catch him in no time before Jongdae's head could've cracked.


	8. viii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unbetaed

Up until now, I am still amazed on how things can go from good to bad in a matter of hours. I was waiting for Baekhyun and Chanyeol to come out of Jongdae's room. After what had happened at the restaurant, I knew something was up. From the moment Chanyeol and Baekhyun rushed towards Jongdae like they've known him for the longest time. I knew Jongdae was keeping something from me. 

 

 

As I let myself drown in these thoughts, Chanyeol and Baekhyun came out of Jongdae's room. I stood up and got closer to Baekhyun. Chanyeol excused himself. 

 

 

 **"What... What happened? Is Jongdae all right?"** I asked nervously. Baekhyun was unusually quiet. I've known him long enough that he wasn't like this. 

 

 

 **"He's okay."** That made me sigh in relief.  **"How long have you been with him?"** he asked. He sat at one of the chairs outside the room, I sat beside him.

 

 

 **"Remember that day you visited me in the morning... and reprimanded me to date while I have fun?"** he nodded.  **"I met him that day."**

 

 

 **"How? and where?"** How did I met Jongdae?

 

 

 **"I found his list... It was swept by the wind, near the hospital and we kinda started because of that."** Baekhyun shifted, **"Hey Baek? Tell me something."**

 

 

**"What is it hyung?"**

 

 

 **"Do you know Jongdae? Like... you know? Are you two close?"** Baekhyun laughed. 

 

 

 **"Jongdae.. and I... yes I know him.. and I can say that we're close."** curiosity strikes again.

 

 

 **"H-how did you two become close?"** I sounded very awkward but. Yes. I wanted to know how. Jongdae being close to Baekhyun is already suspicious enough for me. Baekhyun never talks about Jongdae to me. He never mention anything about Jongdae, and the same for the latter.  **"I mean, you never mentioned him to me before..."**

 

 

 **"I do."** Baekhyun said.  **"I did mention him to you. A lot actually."** he gave me his puppy smile. 

 

 

 **"Really? How come... I don't recall anything?"** I was getting more curious. 

 

 

 **"He's the runaway patient I always tell you about, hyung."** And I felt like I was splashed with cold water.

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun didn't elaborate more to me. He just said that Jongdae was his patient. That he was with Jongdae for the past six years of working at the hospital. He was the one who always tracks Jongdae's phone whenever he sneaks out of the hospital. He was the one who stays up all night just to find where Jongdae could've gone.

 

 

 **"I believe that I am not in the position to tell you what kind of illness Jongdae possesses, hyung."** He said before leaving.  **"I know I'm his doctor, but I'm sure he has his reasons of not telling you ever since the two of you met and I respect Jongdae's decision. It'll be better if you ask him yourself. I'm going to prepare his treatment for today hyung, you can go inside his room if you want."** I bid Baekhyun goodbye and said thank you as well.

 

 

I am not sure if I wanted to see Jongdae today. The words Baekhyun had said to me made me thought a lot of things. 

 

 

Jongdae is a very mysterious person. I thought we were gradually becoming closer, but now that this has happened, I'm not sure anymore if I really know who he is. 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

I contacted Junmyeon that day. I asked if he could come pick me up, I was exhausted. My brain cannot think properly anymore. When we reached my place, he didn't ask, but he was there. He said he'll go when he feel like going, but for now he said he wanted to stay and I didn't interject. I just went to my room and flopped myself carelessly on my bed.

 

 

Jongdae... he's sick, and I never knew that. Recalling out adventures; the way his old friends reacted when he saw him, the way his brother Jongin asked if he's okay. There was a reason. and that reason was they knew that Jongdae was sick; and I, who was with him for a short period of time didn't have an idea about his condition.

 

 

I guess it's because we're not really that close for him to open up about his illness. Maybe when I thought we were slowly being close towards each other, the thought itself was wrong. I was merely a travel buddy to him. 

 

 

I tried to shake off the negative thoughts. That's when Junmyeon came knocking on my door. 

 

 

 **"Hey,"** He was rather shy when he said that. He stepped closer to me.  **"I know something's wrong, just in case you want to talk about it, I'll be here. Just know that I'm here."** He said, voice soft. I didn't answer, instead I stared at the ceiling.

 

 

Do I really want to talk about it? 

 

 

Do I really want to tell him that I felt so betrayed? 

 

 

Do I really want to tell him how my heart hurt when I saw Jongdae collapsed in front of me?

 

 

Yes, I do...

 

 

 **"Myeon... Have you ever felt being stupid about the things you didn't knew?"** He was shocked at my sudden statement after that long silence inside the room.  **"Like, you felt betrayed after knowing that there are important things you didn't know and you wish you could turn back time and choose the part where you're oblivious of what was happening.."**

 

 

 **"Yes, of course. I felt that too, like for example."** he sat down on the floor.  **"Remember the time when I didn't know you and Luhan started dating back in college?"** I nodded, I felt  guilty all of a sudden. Yes Junmyeon is my best friend but I had kept it from him when I dated Luhan.  **"** **I felt betrayed and stupid when I don't know things that I was supposed to know, I felt angry even when I saw you crying when Luhan broke up with you. That was the only time when I found out about the two of you. You already have broken up when you decided to tell me about it."**

 

 

 **"I'm sorry."** I don't know, but I felt like I needed to tell him that.

 

 

**"It's okay,  Min. But after knowing that, it doesn't matter to me anymore. At least,  I knew you two dated, and now that I am aware, I became a part of it, even if it was already over."**

 

 

**"What do you mean it doesn't matter anymore?"**

 

 

 **"Yes I felt stupid, yes I felt betrayed, but it doesn't mean that I regret not knowing when I found out about the two of you dating behind my back. I managed to let myself feel that it's okay you didn't tell me, that you had a reason when you decided to keep it a secret; at least you had the guts to tell me even if you two are over; at least I was there for you when you needed a shoulder to cry on. "** Junmyeon stood up and walked towards me before flopping on my bed and placing his arms around my shoulder.  **"My point is, I knew you had a reason, and that reason is the same reason I am still with you today. Even if you did keep it from me, and told me when it was already obvious, I never did leave you hanging and thought of being a shitty friend and leave just because you kept a secret."** I hugged Junmyeon.

 

 

 **"Thank you, Myeonie... Thank you."** He caressed my back, it felt soothing. 

 

 

He made me realize things. He was there, he never left just because I kept a secret. It only means he respects me, and cares about my reasons of doing it. He's still here up until now, he is still my best friend. 

 

 

As I hugged Junmyeon, I thought of Jongdae, I am not leaving him. Like what Baekhyun said, he had a reason for not telling me a lot of things like what I did back then and tomorrow, I'm going to visit him, try to ask him things I wanted to know. 

 

 

I hope he answers me in all honesty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	9. ix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unbetaed

I prepared some dishes for Jongdae. It's lunch time and I decided to visit him. I called Baekhyun a minute ago, I asked if Jongdae was up and he said yes, and in that very moment he told me that Jongdae was having his round of Chemotherapy, that Chanyeol was giving it to him.

 

I felt anxious even more after knowing what Baekhyun said. I felt more determined to know what kind of illness Jongdae has that he needed to live in a hospital for years and receive chemo, and I am afraid of the truth.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

I was welcome by Baekhyun at the receiving area of the hospital. He told me that Jongdae finished receiving his chemo and was ordered to wait for me because he had a prior notice that I was bringing Jongdae lunch. I thanked Baekhyun before he led me to Jongdae. He told me that Jongdae was waiting for me at the garden of the hospital. 

 

As we walked closer to the garden, I saw Jongdae's figure. His back facing me, he was watching the little kids(patients too) playing in the garden with 2 nurses as their guardian. I thanked Baekhyun before he left me. I stopped on my spot and stared at his back. 

 

He was wearing a hospital gown. There was a hose connected to his hand and an IV pole not far from him. He looks pale, why did I notice only now? He looked back and I nearly jumped when he saw me staring at him

 

 **"Hyung,"** he said softly while he smiled brightly. I walked towards him.  **"Hi hyung."** I settled the bento boxes beside him. 

 

 **"Hi, Jongdae."** I said, not looking at him and decided to sit down beside him. I looked at the kids as well.  **"How are you?"**

 

 **"I'm fine hyung. How about you?"** he asked, I knew he was looking at me. I saw it from my peripheral vision. I felt a little more anxious.  **"Are you okay? I didn't see you after I collapsed."**

 

That's when I looked at him.  **"About yesterday."** I started. 

 

 **"I'm sorry hyung."** he said apologetically.  **"I'm sorry for not telling you."** He looked away and smiled weakly. 

 

 **"I- it's okay."** That wasn't the words I wanted to tell him, I want to ask, but now my throat constricted me from doing so.  **"I'm not in the position to ask anyway."** I said. 

 

 **"Hyung, we're friends right?"** He asked staring into my eyes. I simply nodded. I consider him as a friend.

 

**"Yes, Jongdae, we're friends."**

 

 **"Then you're in the position to know."** he sighed.  **"I'm sorry for not telling you hyung., It's just that... I was..."** I placed my hand on his back. I noticed that he was shaking. 

 

 **"It's okay Jongdae, don't force yourself. You're not obligated to tell me anything. Stop apologizing, you did nothing wrong. You had a reason and I respect that."** He took my hand and held it.

 

 **"Still, I'm sorry... I'm sorry for keeping it to you. I was afraid that you'd leave me when I tell you..."** His hands were not warm but rather cold.  **"Believe me, I was going to tell you that day, but... fear got over me. I didn't want to be abandoned, I know we only met on that day, but I felt happy when I was with you. I felt attached the moment we shook our hands."**

 

I was speechless. I didn't know he felt that way.

 

 **"We're friends, hyung and I believe you have the right to know what's really happening to me. "** And with that he dragged me inside the hospital building.

 

 

-

 

 

This time the room he was in yesterday was different. I knew it was different the moment we walked in a different path. We passed by some other patients who smiled at us while they pass through, and I was afraid when I saw the word 'cancer patients' written beside the glass door.

 

And guess what, we went that way.

 

We reached Jongdae's room. I placed the bento boxes carefully in a table beside his hospital bed. It was quiet. His room has a window and flowers too. If not for the flowers the room will look very dull due to its white walls and ceiling. I looked around the room and spotted some pictures pasted on the other side of the wall, Baekhyun wasn't lying when he said that Jongdae basically lived here all his life. 

 

The pictures were from his birthdays and some other occasions I didn't know. Jongdae looked so happy. Baekhyun was in the photos, some nurses and kids, and Chanyeol was there too in one picture which was I think a recent one. 

 

 **"I guess you have a clue of what illness I have now, hyung."** he said, breaking the silence. He had his head down while he played with his fingers. Jongdae has cancer... It was obvious when we entered the 'cancer patients' hall.  **"I have cancer of the blood, Minseok hyung."**

 

That drained the life out of me. It was the reason why he looked so pale.

 

He lifted his head and smiled. How can he smile at times like this?  **"I was diagnosed with Leukemia when I was 10."** I kept a straight face, but deep inside I was breaking, him telling me about his sickness... Makes me guilty. Why did I leave him yesterday?  **"It was cured, and I managed to live normally for 5 years.... Until it came back."**

 

 **"Kyungsoo, he was the first one to know that my sickness came back. We all thought that I was cured. My parents were devastated and did everything, I was sent to live in this hospital  for better treatment, I had to continue chemotherapy. I even had a stem cell transplant for I don't know how many times. I had hope back then hyung. I had hope that I was going to be cured and one day I'll be able to do the things without this cancer."** Jongdae was still smiling as he continued to tell me his story. I was keeping my tears intact.  **"But when I turned 18, I lost hope. I accepted the fact that I cannot be cured anymore that my condition wasn't cured instead and it worsened, leading to Stage 3. They told me to hope, that they are looking for a way to save me, but I accepted my fate. I rebelled at the age of 19 and** **I started sneaking out of the hospital."**

 

 **"W-why?"** Was all I could ask.  **"Why do you sneak out?"**

 

 **"I guess I wanted to feel normal once in a while."** He continued.  **"The doctors, I knew they were losing hope for me too, they just didn't tell me. My long time doctor had lost hope too, he resigned when I was 20.  That's when I met Baekhyun. He was young and the same age as me, older by 4 months. He became my new doctor. He tried to change me hyung. Baekhyun tried to help me, but even if he did, I know that I'm never going to be better. I accepted death. I am not afraid of death anymore, I'm just waiting for him."**

 

**"Jongdae, don't say that... You'll get better, you can do this."**

 

 **"It's too late now hyung, sooner or later I'm... I'm going to die."** he looked away, still smiling.  **"Remember the day we met?"** I nodded. I will never forget that.  **"That day was also the day that I overheard Chanyeol... Baekhyun's boyfriend, a doctor too, talking with the head nurse of this department, talking about me. I have this regular laboratory check up every 2 months, they check up on me if there are any improvements and guess what hyung?"** he laughed, it was a broken one.  **"I heard that my cancer moved to stage 4.  The risks are high, it means that death is really near and I realized that I haven't done the things I wanted to do, so I sneaked out. With the list and we met."** The list....

 

**"The list... It was..."**

 

 **"Yes hyung, I wanted to finish it before I die. But now that I'm back here, and weaker now, I think I'm not going to finish it anymore. I'm sorry."** He stared at the list on the bedside table. It was there, lying innocently. Jongdae gave me a look. I was on the verge of crying when he smiled and stood in front of me.  **"I didn't want to tell because I thought you'll leave me when you knew; you'll be afraid to hangout with a person whose going to leave this world without prior notice, I'm sorry hyung."**

 

Offering his hand. He spoke.  **"I believe we started on the wrong foot, hyung."**

 

 **"W-what?"** I asked confused.  **"What are you talking about now Jongdae?"** I wiped the tear that escaped my eye. No. I'm not going to cry. 

 

 **"My name is Kim Jongdae, with Leukemia, stage 4. Nice to meet you."** He said, giving me the warmest smile he possessed. 

 

And that's when I broke into tears. 


	10. x

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unbetaed

It felt weird crying for someone who didn't leave but was still there right in front of you. But if hurts so much more to know that the person right in front of you, will wither as time goes by, and you may not even have the chance to say goodbye.

 

"Hyung, hey. Stop crying, people are starting to crowd outside, they might think that I'm beating you up." He said laughing, I felt his hands on my shoulders and I wanted to hit him right there, because this is not the time for him to laugh, not in this kind of situation. 

 

The situation where I knew he was dying. That he could leave any second, or he could die just right there when I blink once.

 

"I hate you." Was all I could mutter, but we all know that I don't mean that.

 

I felt him hug me and I hugged him back. 

 

"I know," his hug became tighter. "Everyone here hates me anyway. They hate me for accepting death and reality. They hate that I am too cheerful about dying." I choked. 

 

Why is Jongdae like this? How can he not be afraid of death?

 

 

-

 

 

It took me not long enough to calm down, and we both decided to eat what I brought. Baekhyun came in with a convertible small table, followed by Chanyeol who was carrying a chair for the three of us. 

 

"Why are you two here?" Jongdae asked, smiling. "I'm finished with my morning schedule, did we forget something?" Chanyeol set up the table near Jongdae's bed and placed a black plastic bag on top of it. Baekhyun walked towards Jongdae's bed.

 

"Nope," Baekhyun said, smiling. "We're here to eat with you guys, and we brought some food that aren't from the canteen, it's cheat day today, Jongdae." Baekhyun said happily. "You can eat whatever we brought today, and we're not restricting you, just know your limits." Jongdae smiled. 

 

And I appreciated what Baekhyun had said about cheat day. It was one of those moments that they make Jongdae feel like he isn't battling with cancer.

 

 

-

 

 

 

That day, I decided to stay with Jongdae, even if he was asleep. First he refused and asked me to go home instead. But as a stubborn hyung. I stayed. I didn't want to leave Jongdae. It was peaceful. Jongdae was sleeping with a calm expression as if he was dead, and that scared me, if it wasn't the slow rising and falling of his chest, anyone could've thought he was dead.

 

As I looked around, I saw his list, lying innocently on his bedside table. I read it. Five things on the list had a strikethrough. Indicating it was done.

 

Kim Jongdae's to do list:

1\. go to my hometown.

2\. go see my little brother.

3\. sneak out in the middle of the night to eat snacks.

4\. go back to Seoul using different kinds of transportation.

5\. watch a musical.

6\. play billiards.

7\. eat to my heart's content.

8\. play in the snow.

9\. buy a pet. a cat or a dog? Idk.

10\. make a wish in a temple.

11\. stay up all night.

12.

 

He's halfway through. I felt bad. This was he wanted to do before it's too late, and I'm not just going to let it this way. I made a wish.

 

And I want Jongdae to experience all this. 

 

 

-

 

 

I left at 12 midnight. Baekhyun was still there. He caught me just in time before leaving. He was making his rounds. He asked me if I wanted to stay the night, he said he'll cover up for me, but I said I was going home and I don't want to cause any trouble for him and as well as for Jongdae. 

 

I made a duplicate of Jongdae's list. There are still 6 things written here that haven't been accomplished. I passed by some pet shop that was still open and didn't have any second thoughts to come in. 

 

I was accommodated by the store owner, she was kind, her name was Irene, she introduced me to a lot of breeds.

 

"Oh, may I know what kind of pet do you want?" I thought of Jongdae. He said he wanted to have a pet. It was written on his list. But he wasn't sure if he wanted a cat or a dog. 

 

"I haven't decided if I wanted a cat or a dog, perhaps... You could help me decide?" She accepted it joyfully and showed me around her pet store. We were at the cats section when I heard a small whimper, and when I looked back, I knew what I was going to get for Jongdae.

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

"Hey Baek?" I was struggling on putting my shirt on while I was on the phone wwith Baekhyun that morning. "Uhm, are pets allowed in the hospital? Specifically on Jongdae's ward?"

 

[["Huh? Pet? Why? Are you going to bring a pet?"]] I finally managed to put on my shirt and got out of my room. Where did the little poodle go? 

 

I roamed around my unit and found him under the couch, he was sleeping, oh gosh he's so cute. 

 

"Uhm yeah, I bought Jongdae a pet, he uhmm," How do I tell him? "I knew wanted a pet, so I bought him one, can I take him with me?" Baekhyun didn't answer for a second.

 

[["Uh well, I can make some arrangements for that, I'll text you when they approved of it."]]

 

"Thank you Baek." I said before ending the call. I scooped up Jongdae's poodle in my arms. It was a boy, he was sleeping peacefully. I wonder what reaction will Jongdae give me when he sees his new pet.

 

 

-

 

 

Baekhyun did manage to make some arrangement when I came to the hospital that day. They allowed me to go inside with Jongdae's new pet. I was excited while heading towards Jongdae's room. All the excitement faded the moment I opened the door.

 

Jongdae was curled up in his bed, clutching his stomach. His face were stained with tears as he tried to call out for help. He was in deep pain. My heart broke at the sight of Jongdae suffering.

 

and all I could do was watch him as the doctors surround him and tried to calm him down using painkillers. 

 

But I knew it wouldn't lessen the emotional pain Jongdae was experiencing.


	11. xi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unbetaed

As much as I wanted Jongdae to see my present for him that day. It didn't happen. The doctors gave him sedatives. He was asleep for who knows how long. They told me that ever since I left last night, Jongdae was experiencing severe stomach pain due to cancer. The pain killers weren't working so they had no choice to put Jongdae to sleep, to ease the pain he was experiencing. 

 

I sat beside his bed, wondering when he'll wake up and see my surprise for him. Tell him that I bought him a present and he had accomplished another thing in his list. 

 

Whenever I look at him, he was pale. He's thin and has dark circles around his eyes that I never noticed when we were together. 

 

How could I not notice, am I not that kind of an observer? 

 

 

 **"Hyung? Hyung! Hyung!? Where are you!"** He cried, but he had his eyes closed. I panicked and immediately stood up and tried to wake him up.

 

 **"Hey, hey Jongdae! Wake up! I'm here!"** He was shaking, and I tried to wake him up. But he kept trashing. I pressed the emergency button, alarming others that we needed help. At the corner of the room I can hear Jongdae's poodle whimper. He was scared and I was scared too.

 

Doctors came in including Baekhyun. They tried to wake Jongdae up. I watched them do everything they can. 

 

 **"Where is Minseok hyung? Tell me where he is!"** He was finally awake, and I didn't waste any second to walk towards him. As soon as I got closer to him he reached upon me and hugged me tight. 

 

I can feel how scared he was.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After that incident, Jongdae was quiet, the doctors left, he saw my gift and I can see in his eyes that he was happy, but he didn't speak a word. Baekhyun told me that Jongdae often had nightmares. 

 

 **"Hey."** Jongdae was playing with his new pet. He looked at me.

 

**"Yes hyung?"**

 

 **"Did you like my present?"** He nodded enthusiastically.  **"What should we name him?"** I haven't thought of a name for the dog since I bought it for Jongdae. It only meant that he has the right to name the dog since he's the owner.

 

 **"Hmmm,"** he lifted the dog like a baby and soon set it again above his legs. He gets too tired easily and I understand.

 

The cancer... It's...

 

 **"I don't know hyung, what should we call him?"** He smiled,  **"Hyung, who's gonna take care of him when I'm gone?"** i laughed nervously. As much as I wanted to tell him that he's not gonna die, I knew he was going to object. 

 

 **"What are you talking about? You're not going anywhere. We still need to finish the list,"** I don't want you to die. No. I can't bear that.  **"Let's name him DaeMin. From Jongdae and Minseok. Is that okay with you?"**

 

**"It's perfect hyung."**

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

We allowed DaeMin to play around and sleep around in his room while Jongdae and I talked. He asked me about my work and I said that I was still on vacation which is true. I'm not yet done. Days passed and I basically lived in the hospital with Jongdae, the doctors and nurses didn't object since Jongdae always had this  reaction whenever he sleeps. He panics and looks for me. 

 

He doesn't calm down until he knows that I'm with him. I guess the chemicals that were being injected to him is messing with his nervous system and I could tell that Jongdae's body is gradually losing it's balance. He was skinnier. He's weaker.

 

As if he was losing in the battle. 

 

 **"Have you ever tried dating before, hyung?"** Jongdae asked one afternoon while I took him to the garden. He said he wanted to see the sunset and the best view of the sun setting in the hospital was at the garden. He was on his wheelchair. He was ordered to be on a wheelchair now since he can't stand up on his own. He's to weak to carry his own body. 

 

I stopped wheeling Jongdae's wheelchair near the benches. I sat down beside him, and thought of the answer to his question.  **"Dating? Hmmm, yeah, back in college, why do you ask?"**

 

 **"How does it feel like?"** Jongdae was staring at the flowers and the orange sky indicating that the sun will set any minute now.  **"How does it feel like to be loved?"**

 

As Jongdae stared at the scenery, I only stared at his face. 

 

 **"It's nice. It's the best feeling in the world."** Jongdae, I can feel him slowly fading away, and I don't want that to happen. I don't want Jongdae to leave.  **"It gives you hope, that even if you're surrounded with unpleasant things, love is there to make you feel that there is something pleasant in you life."** Jongdae smiled, but it didn't reached his eyes. 

 

I knew he was happy, but these days, his muscles hurt hence preventing him to move a especially showcase his warm smile to everyone. 

 

 **"Really? I want to feel that..."** He tried his best to smile, but he failed, he had troubles. The Jongdae I knew. He smiles a lot, laughs a lot, thinks cheerfully. But now, the Jongdae I am with, cannot smile anymore, he doesn't laugh a lot anymore. He doesn't even think cheerfully anymore. He's now basically dead in thoughts and it kills me. I miss the old Jongdae.  **"But I guess it won't happen since I don't have much time."**

 

 **"Don't say that, please."** Tears starting to form my eyes.  **"A lot of people loves you. You can't... you can't give up Jongdae.. Jongin, Kyungsoo, Chanyeol, Baekhyun, your parents, Yixing and even DaeMin loves you. Jongdae, we still have time, you can still fight, please don't give up."** Jongdae turned to look at me.

 

 **"They love me?"** I nodded,  **"How about you hyung?"** He asked.

 

 **"What about me?"** I was dumb, why did I ask him even If I knew what his question was. He reached for my face weakly and wiped the tears away.

 

 **"Do you love me?"** I held his thin wrist. Caressing them lightly. I was afraid. Jongdae changes in a matter of days, from strong to weak, and I am afraid that one day when I wake up, he isn't here anymore, and I never had the chance to tell him the feeling I know I'm sure of.

 

 **"Yes, Jongdae, _I love you._ " **He smiled the warmest and the sweetest one I have ever witnessed; he closed his eyes. I held his face and kissed his forehead as the sun sets. The smile he gave me today was the most genuine and warmest smile that Jongdae ever made. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

That night, I sneaked him out of the hospital we headed to the nearest convenience store, leaving us with 4 more unaccomplished things in his list. 

 

 


	12. xii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unbetaed

Christmas is in a matter of days. I was walking around Seoul with Junmyeon. He knew where I was and he said it was okay not to come to work for now. I know he knows that I am with Jongdae even if I don't tell.

 

 **"What kind of present does Jongdae want?"** Junmyeon asked. We're thinking of buying presents since Christmas is coming. I didn't know what Jongdae wanted. Before I left him at the hospital with Baekhyun, I asked if he wanted something for Christmas and he shrugged. 

 

 **"I don't know, he doesn't want anything."** I suddenly thought of his list, and the duplicate list I have, I checked it immediately and the only things written there was about the musical play, playing in the snow, eating to his heart's content and staying up all night.

 

 **"He sure does have a unique list."** Junmyeon said, as he read the things written.  **"I guess you'll buy him food? You can't take him into a musical. Min it's dangerous."**

 

 **"I know..."** I really wanted to take Jongdae out to watch a musical play, but now, it will be bad for his condition. 

 

 **"Hey I know! Maybe you can watch a musical with him in your laptop. It doesn't matter if you watch it in his ward, I know he'll appreciate it."** Junmyeon just gave me an idea.

 

 

-

 

 

 

When I arrived at the hospital, it was snowing. I had my laptop and foods that Jongdae can eat. I was wondering if he was outside playing in the snow right now. And I was right, as soon as I passed at the garden, I saw him with Baekhyun and Chanyeol and other patient playing under the snow.

 

 **"Minseok hyung ! You're back."** Baekhyun shouted and I smiled, Jongdae turned around too he smiled. 

 

 **"How are you?"** Jongdae seemed to have a sullen look on his face. But he tried to hide it with a smile. 

 

 **"I'm okay, I played in the snow today, and I think I want to go in now."** He said, Chanyeol helped him wheel his wheelchair while Baekhyun helped me in carrying the things I had. 

 

 **"What are these for?"** Baekhyun asked while we were walking towards Jongdae's room. 

 

 **"It's for Jongdae, I'm thinking of watching a musical with him on my laptop. Do you want to join us?"** Baekhyun's eyes lit up at the sound of the word 'musical'. He immediately asked if he could join us and I told him why not?

 

The more, the better. 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

We set up the projector and convertible beds on Jongdae's room. Jongdae was happy to know that he was going to watch a musical even if it was only in his room. Junmyeon was right. Jongdae appreciated this.

 

 **"I brought snacks too, you can eat at your heart's content Jongdae."** I pleaded for Baekhyun's permission, and he didn't even have second thoughts on allowing me to let Jongdae eat what I brought. 

 

I guess he wanted to make Jongdae feel good too. We settled on our spots. Chanyeol joined in after his shift. They were cuddling in the convertible bed while Jongdae ate his snacks, while I caressed the sleeping DaeMin beside me.  As I've thought of it. We accomplished three things in his list today. 

 

I took a glimpse on Jongdae's smiling face watching and eating happily.

 

I was afraid to lose this man. I didn't want him to die, I don't want to live in this world without him, without his warm smiles that can light up anyone's day. 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

I woke up at the sound of Baekhyun's voice.  **"Hyung... Are you awake?"** The room was quiet, Jongdae was already sleeping, the difference is, he had an oxygen tube inserted in his nostrils. What?

 

**"Yeah... why is Jongdae wearing those things?"**

 

 **"The cancer cells spread to his lungs, thus making it hard for him to breathe..."** Baekhyun said solemnly.  **"Can I talk to you outside?"** I gently got out of the convertible bed, without disturbing DaeMin in his precious sleep. We headed to the rooftop.

 

 **"What is it Baekhyun?"** Baekhyun suddenly burst into tears.  **"Hey, Baek? W-what happened?"**

 

 **"I'm sorry hyung..."** He said and somehow I didn't want him to continue.  **"I tried everything, we tried everything... but... we don't know how to help him anymore..."**

 

 **"W-what?"** I held on Baekhyun's shoulders as he dropped on the floor.  **"What are you talking about?"** I wish I was deaf, I wish I was blind, so that I cannot hear nor see the morbid truth.

 

**"Jongdae knew, and asked to keep it a secret from me..."**

 

**"What..."**

 

 **"We knew only this morning... His head doctor... Told us that he only has 2 to 3 days to live.. and if not for the life support, 8 hours left."** He cried.

 

And I shouted.

 

 **"What!? Who is he to tell Jongdae when he is going to die!?"** I cried, frustrated. No Jongdae can't die.  **"He is not a God! He can't dictate when a person is going to die!"**

 

**"Hyung! Calm down!"**

 

 **"No! Jongdae isn't going to die! No! He's fighting! I know he's fighting! He's not going to die! No!"** Baekhyun grabbed me, and hugged me.

 

**"Hyung, hyung, I'm sorry..."**

 

 **"He's not going to die..."** I cried..

 

_I don't want Jongdae to die._


	13. xiii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unbetaed

If you aren't that kind of an observer, the you'll fail to notice how Jongdae had became weaker and paler. He found it hard it speak and even move on his own. He experiences series of headaches, stomach pains and muscles pains and I was there. I saw it all. and it breaks my heart seeing him cry. Seeing him ask for help to let the pain go away.

 

I didn't leave his side when Baekhyun told me the shit I heard last night. I refuse to believe it. But I was afraid, what if it was true? I didn't want to leave Jongdae's side. I want to be with him until the last second... even if it hurt.

 

Jongdae had just woken up from his sleep after vomiting blood. It was a shocking sight for me, I didn't know what to do. He held onto my hand tightly. It was so tight that it left a mark. But it also let me feel how Jongdae was hurting when he vomited blood.

 

 **"Hey hyung."** He said, voice hoarse.  **"Have y-you e-eaten?"** He asked weakly, I wanted to cry, I'm losing him, I know I'm losing him. But I kept my composure. I wanted to be strong for him.

 

 **"Yes, I have.."** I smiled.  **"Jongin, Kyungsoo, Yixing and your parents they came in this morning while you were sleeping?"**

 

**"R-really? H-how was Jongin?"**

 

**"He's okay, he said he told me to tell you to heal quickly and come home, he missed you. They all miss you"**

 

 **"I miss him too. I miss them,"** He said quietly.  **"Hyung?"**

 

 **"Hmmm?"** I took an orange and started peeling it, so Jongdae can eat it. 

 

 **"Can I tell you a secret?"** He asked. I nodded. Of course he can tell me a secret. 

 

 **"Yes, of course."** I stopped what I was doing and looked at him.  **"What is it?"**

 

 **"I'm afraid hyung.."** His voice began to crack and I expected the words that came out of his mouth.  **"I'm afraid to die... Hyung I don't want to die."** and for the the first time in my life I had seen Jongdae broke down into tears, begging for death not to come for him.

 

Jongdae didn't want to die. When he said he wasn't afraid of death, it was a lie.

 

_He was afraid._

 

 

 

_-_

 

 

 

 

 

 **"Hyung, let's stay up all night please."** I immediately shot him a look. 

 

 **"Aren't you tired?"** He shrugged. I was tired, but if Jongdae wanted to stay up all night, then I'll stay up all night with him. I fixed his covers and fixed the convertible bed beside his too. He was lying on his side, and I was lying on my side too. We stared in each other's faces. 

 

 **"Hyung... Thank you."** He said. Eyes droopy.  **"Thank you for everything."** I thought of the first day we met. It was kind of funny how we met. Back then I didn't knew he had cancer and yet I let him chase me just because I didn't believe that he was the owner of the list. 

 

 **"Because of you, I managed to finish the list. Thank you."** I smiled.  **"Hyung, you know,"**

 

**"What is it?"**

 

 **"I had a dream the other night,"** he trailed.  **"about how we only get one life, but it was not a dream, Minseok hyung; it was reality. "** Jongdae winces, but smiles faintly.  **"I'm glad I knew you in this lifetime hyung. Would you like to meet me in another lifetime hyung?"**

 

I didn't know where our conversation is leading, but I hope it won't be the last.

 

 **"Of course, I'll even find you in the next lifetime Jongdae."** He laughed.

 

**"I hope I don't have cancer. I wish to be a successful singer who lives a healthy life."**

 

 **"Oh, you will be."** I smiled. It was nice to talk about these kind of things with Jongdae. But it somehoew frightened me. Why are we talking about like he was going to die..

 

No..

 

 **"Hey Jongdae... We will fight until the end right?"** Jongdae was closing his eyes, but he tried his best not too. He wanted to stay up all night he said.

 

 **"Of course hyung."** He smiled weakly.   **"Hyung, wake me up okay? If ever I close my eyes, don't let me fall asleep. I want to stay up all night,"** Jongdae stops before continuing.  **"I want to stay up all night with you."** I nodded.

 

We spent the next minutes in silence, just staring each other's face, until darkness consumed me.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

 **"Hyung...hyung wake up please."** It was Baekhyun, I knew it was Baekhyun. When I opened my eyes, I knew I wasn't in Jongdae's room. 

 

 **"Where am I?** I noticed the IV connected to me.  **"Jongdae? Where's Jongdae?"**

 

 **"You passed out because of fatigue hyung."** Baekhyun answered but not the second question.

 

 **"Jongdae? Where is he? Take me to him please."** But he didn't answer and I was afraid of the silence he gave me.  **"Hey, Baek.. He's gone isn't he?"** Again he didn't answer.

 

The silence that surrounded us, is already enough to tell me that Jongdae... Had already left. 

 

 **"I'm sorry.. hyung."** I started crying. No.. Jongdae, I didn't even have the chance to say goodbye. He can't be dead.  **"He died in his sleep hyung... but he left this on this bedside table. It has your name in it."** Baekhyun handed me a piece of paper. 

 

There I saw Jongdae's messy handwriting and a few thin streak of blood at the side. I sobbed even louder. 

 

_To: Minseok hyung :)_

 

It said. I was shaking terribly and sobbing loudly. Baekhyun didn't try to come near me he just sat in front of me. I opened the piece of paper and there, it slipped another piece of paper. 

 

_It was Jongdae's list._

 

I broke down as I read his list. Every thing written in the list that he wanted to do had a strikethrough. Except for number 12, he didn't have the chance to do number 12, instead of a strikethrough, it had 3 droplets of dry blood and it was written messily indicating that the person who wrote it was very weak. That made me shake uncontrollably. My eyes were covered with tears, my vision was blurry but it didn't stop me from reading what was written.

 

_Kim Jongdae's to do list:_

_1.  go to my hometown._

_ 2\. go see my little brother. _

_ 3\. sneak out in the middle of the night to eat snacks. _

_ 4\. go back to Seoul using different kinds of transportation. _

_ 5\. watch a musical. _

_ 6\. play billiards. _

_ 7\. eat to my heart's content. _

_ 8\. play in the snow. _

_ 9\. buy a pet. a cat or a dog? Idk. _

_ 10\. make a wish in a temple. _

_ 11\. stay up all night. _

_12\. Tell Minseok hyung ' **I love you.** '_

* _See you in the next lifetime hyung._

 

 


End file.
